I can do you one better.

I had a major crush on this one girl my sophomore year of college. After our second date, she invited me up to her room.

We go up to her room, she shows me around (which takes all of 30 seconds), then I told her that I needed to get going.

She said, "okay", then gave me a big hug, started running her hands through my hair and kissed me on the cheek. So what do I do? I insist that I really need to get going. I left, and she never agreed to go out with me again.

Now for the truly painful part. I wasn't so much of a puss that I was scared to make out with her, and I wasn't too drunk to know that she wanted to make out with me. I was such a puss that I didn't want to make out with her because I was getting over a nasty chest infection and I didn't want to risk making her sick.

akaRonMexico has my permission to punch me in the face this Friday.

No, you just have to do a cover of a song by Jewel as punishment. *

No, no.

Celine Dion.

And no "ironic cover", either, like everyone watching knows for a fact that you think it sucks.

Come on. You have to give me a penance I can actually perform.

There is no way I'd be able to pull off singing a Celine Dion tune without laughing and/or puking mid-song.

I'm nothing if not a good and just arbitrator.

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

I just threw up in my mouth a little. *

I guess you didn't live in Zahm.

It once doubled as their dorm fight song.

The only way they could convince women to enter Cavanaugh

was to make it official and call it a girl's dorm.

Quite the contrary.

The joint was so chronically infested with chicks that Student Affairs and the administration finally threw up their hands and just kicked all the fellas out instead.

At least that's what one of the cafeteria workers told me, so you know it's gold.

How about "Its Raining Men." How's that for a compromise... *

Hallelujah! *