My children used to ride a bus to private school.

I don't care what anyone says - riding school buses is some hardcore Lord of the Flies shit.

It doesn't matter if the kids are eating lunch at school with the crusts cut off their sandwiches or if they are stealing lunch money from each other the moment they get on the bus and are giving each other noogies under the seats and at least one kid throws up on the way to school because he's being pantsed by the bully du jour.

Kids are animals and they like to torture each other.

My son, Nicholas, wasn't enjoying his first few weeks on the bus. One of the boys decided to mouth-torture him and started calling him "Nickelodeon." I asked him what the boy's name was. "Joseph," he said.

"OK. That's shit's gonna end tomorrow." I said.

"How, Dad? It really bugs me."

"No sweat, Son. Watch what happens when you call him something that he's not used to."

"OK."

School ended. Nick walked in the door all smiles. "How was the bus?" I said.

"Great."

"So, what happened?"

"Well, he started in with 'Nickelodeon,' and started to laugh. I said, 'How ya doin, Josefina?' He said, 'Stop calling me that!' I said, 'You stop calling me Nickelodeon and I'll stop calling you Josefina.' We shook on it and now we're friends."

"Good," I said. "I wish all of life's problems were that easy to solve."

Nicholas Kovacevich and Joseph Candle remained close friends until they went their separate ways at 8th Grade graduation.