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My little 3.5yr old son woke up early from his nap yesterday by Giggity_Giggity order to chop the most impressive piece of butt lumber these eyes have ever seen. I knew something special was in store when my wife burst into hysterical laughter upstairs, so I ventured up to see what was happening in the kids' crapper. I was greeted by a potent aroma, like being punched in the eyeballs by a mace-coated medicine ball while the devil's fingertips were jammed into your nostrils.

I followed my wheezing, red-faced wife's pointed finger to the bowl of the toilet; at first I thought it was an unwanted prom baby, but soon it dawned on me that my 38 inch tall son had powered out a 16 inch monkey tail. If I'd had one of those little toothpick American flags in the house I would've claimed the new land mass for the good ol' USA.

The kid weighs about 30 lbs and might weigh 27 now. He looked like he'd just gotten done running the 800M, kind of dazed and sweaty and swaying almost imperceptibly side-to-side. I knelt and held him close, telling him how proud I was of him while tears fell from my squeezed-shut eyes. And it was just us there for a long moment. Us and that enormous meaty chud wedged in its porcelain frame behind us.