In it I would simply offer brief, real-life rebukes to all the recycled douchebaggery that manifests itself in the viewpoint section of the Observer. For example, this year's might read:
(Caution: language and irritation)
Dear current ND students,
Let me save you all a lot of time and typing by summarizing what the world outside 46556 thinks of your issues:
-To the guys wearing the "Gay? Go to hell" shirts: You are giant shitheads whose point--actually wrong, per the catechism--is entirely eclipsed by the sheer failure of your attempt to be clever. You are neither clever nor correct, and I dare you to wear that shirt off the ND campus someday.
-To the folks who annually whine about meat not being served in the dining halls on Lenten Fridays: Get over yourselves. We have a word for you in the real world, and that word is "really fucking annoying." Go to Burger King and get a super-sized helping of go fuck yourself.
-To the students who have written in and called for Weis' firing or to decry the efforts of the football team: Give me your football tickets. I will distribute them to people who aren't complete pussies, and then I will come to your dorm rooms and give you a brief powerpoint presentation about the accomplishments of the Weis era w/r/t the Davie/Willingham eras. There will be a brief Q&A session, followed by me kicking the ever-loving shit out of you.
-To the dipshit students who publicly make fun of St. Mary's women and the St. Mary's women who earnestly defend their honor in this paper: Both of you just stop it. Get together in a dorm room with a couple of cases of cheap beer, turn on a Dave Matthews CD, and hook up with each other. Nothing could be more beneficial to the inter-school dynamic than if you'd all just shut the fuck up and make out.
-To Zahm: You suck. Thank you for continuing to embrace it.
-To anyone who complains about the content of the Keenan Revue: I have added your names and addresses to the subscription lists of the following magazines--Penthouse Forum, MAD Magazine, Model Airplane Monthly, and Dog Fancy. Why? In order, because you need to learn what offensive content really is, you have no sense of humor, you have too much time on your hands, and you're a whiny bitch.
-To those people who write in to decry the Vagina Monologues: If you will simply shut the fuck up, the play will disappear for lack of interest. It's a shitty play regardless of your feelings about it, and no one would ever go see it if it weren't for the constant stream of controversy drummed up by thin-skinned cretins like yourself. Stick a sock in your yammering gob and have some patience, you daft knob.
-To anyone who complains about parietals: You have two options. First, you can transfer to another school where parietals don't exist. I must warn you, though, that people will probably think you're a shithead there too. Secondly, I take it you are aware that you can live off campus? I know you've probably never been invited to a party that wasn't run by Flipside, but there are actually other places to live than under the oppressive regime that is apparently keeping your booming social life under wraps. BTW, I actually lied--your third option is to realize that a whiny little faux-activist dipshit like you won't ever have to worry about breaking parietals, you miserable prat.
-To the ladies and wanna-be ladies writing in about the sexism inherent in the Victory March: We get it. We really do. We just want you to understand that the song was written by Jesus almost 2000 years ago, before women were admitted to Notre Dame and before you had the right to vote or hold property. As such, it's grandfathered into the category of "things that don't get touched by the PC police" along with "Blazing Saddles" and the right of men to pull one another's fingers before farting. If you want to change the words to the fight song, take it up with Jesus. He lives on the library. In the meantime, sing the fucking song however you want to sing it and shut the fuck up about it already.
-To the few remaining fartsniffers who are against the ROTC presence on ND's campus: Nobody likes war, but shit happens and not everything in this world is puppy dogs and ice cream. And if somebody has to be in command of a Trident submarine or a B-2 with nuclear weapons, I want that somebody to be the guy down the hall from me at ND and not some military automaton from State U (or a wishy-washy hippie like you). It will be a cosmic event if you wankers grasp what I've said, but barring that I order you to pull out your credit cards and pay for the students who otherwise couldn't afford to go to school here if not for ROTC funding. Doing so will prevent, or at least delay, the impending ass-kicking I plan to deliver unto you.