Unless I'm mistaken he meets your principal three criteria. Don't take this to be an endorsement of an obvious weirdo, it most certainly isn't, but I believe him to be head and shoulders above what we have now and superior to several on your list.
That said, my preferences would be Patterson and Dantonio with all the others trailing the field.
Leach runs a system contrary to Notre Dame's historical recruiting strengths, the pirate and Geronimo stuff is just plain weird, and, perhaps unfairly, he now has the rep of being litigious. I may have answered my own question but why not include Mike Leach on the list?