"Tasmanian devils have a notoriously cantankerous disposition and will fly into a maniacal rage when threatened by a predator, fighting for a mate, or defending a meal. Early European settlers dubbed it a "devil" after witnessing such displays, which include teeth-baring, lunging, and an array of spine-chilling guttural growls.

The Tasmanian devil is the world's largest carnivorous marsupial, reaching 30 inches (76 centimeters) in length and weighing up to 26 pounds (12 kilograms), although its size will vary widely depending on its specific range and the availability of food. Its oversize head houses sharp teeth and strong, muscular jaws that can deliver, pound for pound, one of the most powerful bites of any mammal."

Winner.

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You didn't say how long we'd be in the octagon.

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Why do you persist in making a mockery of Czarobski's inquiries? It's uncanny with you! Honestly, from you I am surprised we were not treated with "a clap-having Cleveland ferret - that'll kill a human!"

Off with you!

I like the idea that he just spent a good portion of his day pretending to work while covertly searching the internet to find out the average size of a dwarfism-afflicted silverback gorilla or whether a flying squirrel with kamikazee instincts would be capable of the flight maneuvers necessary to lodge itself inside a man's trachea.

these things.

I have them memorized, thank you very much.

but after some research, I think they might be too big to take the crown. I'd put money on a wolf or pit bull.

They negate the primary advantages we have over other dangerous animals -- intelligence and manual dexterity. A human could at least try to wrestle and choke out a dog or even a decent sized wild cat, because its possible to position yourself away from their weapons and use size to control them. It's really hard to see getting any kind of an advantage over a chimp, even a pretty small one.

Honestly, if only one of us is walking out, I like to think that nothing under 100 pounds is taking me out. We're talking to the death here. But I'm realistic that I radically overestimate my odds in these fights. A small chimp is the member of the under-100 club I'd be the most nervous about, although I can't say I'd be looking forward to taking on a wolverine, bobcat, or pit bull either.

too. I wouldn't want to mess with this:



However, I'd possibly lean towards some sort of smaller cat, simply because they have claws in addition to big teeth, so there's no real weak point. Primates don't tend have as nasty of claws, if any.

of any creature you'd face.

Speaking of faces, ask that chick in Stamford how hers is doing. You know, the one the chimp ate off her face, despite bullet holes and Xanax.


Yeah, you get in the ring with a chimp, you got someone as strong or stronger than you, with sharper teeth, inborn predilection towards violence (they hunt and kill other primates for food; we do not), and a body that hasn't been subjected to HFCS, and yeah, Caesar's gonna eat you for dinner when he's done killing you.

muscle strength per pound as humans do. Most other animals are more robust than humans in that way.

But if we're going by smallest, Baboons still probably have a good chance of murdering the hell out of a human and at their biggest appear to be half the size of Chimps. 2 1/2 inch canines are nothing to sneeze at on the Baboon.

that HFCS is any worse than sugar when it comes to defending yourself against chimps.

Both are worth a read.

It only needs to be waist deep, not like you're going to drown in it. If so, I vote for the candiru. It may not kill me directly, but it will make me want to kill myself, and that's not against the rules.

Link is to wikipedia.

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I seem to remember Steve Irwin claiming one of those fellers could strip all the meat off of an animal in a number of seconds.

I'm quite sure they could kill a man, but they aren't small.

and then stalk their prey as it slowly dies. Cunning creature.

their bites are, in fact, rampant with devestating bacteria, but there is some evidence that they are also venomous. Jolly.

They'd be all cute and sleepy and you'd be all like "oh no, I can't hurt this sweet widdle fuzzy wuzzy koala" and you'd go to give it a hug and it would rip your throat like a wet paper sack. Boom. Done. Motherfucking koala.

with Chlamydia.

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and go back to eucalyptus leaves, the only food it eats.

It's one bad....animal.

I have no opinion about #1 and the answer to #3 is clearly "spider monkey."

For a Tasmanian Devil? Those things are vicious.

It's the singular lawyers use for "jargon."

1) If he's back to his Heat form, we're all in for a treat!

2) I lied, there are not three answers.

3) Honey Badger must be considered. Several MMA stars in fact style their hair in a similar fashion.

but if "an eagle" could do it, surely some smaller winged menace could do the same...like an osprey.


Gaze on your death.

While I think they have the temperament and talons to do some serious damage, I'm just not convinced they could kill me. Eagles have the mass to crash into you and break your neck. It would be difficult to build up that kind of speed inside the cage, though, which works against all the birds. Ultimately, I went with eagle because I figured that mass would give them some endurance, but the osprey is a very strong competitor.

...is that it would likely crash during takeoff and take you out with it.

An osprey could cut you a couple times, hindering you, and then rip out your throat when you're weak from loss of blood.

It'd probably only take one or two solid blows to kill it, though -- they weigh like three pounds. And if you wrap your hands around it, forget it.

Of course, the true backroom answer can only be a marmot.

all it takes is a nick.

Hyperion. It's one of my favorites.

On #3, probably a constricting snake of some sort, but "smallest" is a flexible term.

Just think of how exhausting it would be to climb to the top of the cage to try to hurt it, meanwhile it's divebombing at you with claws proven in the Jurassic age. If we're going by height, alligator.

A parrot, for example, can crush a finger. If granted unfettered access to an artery or major vein, it could kill you as well. But it's not going to swoop in and slash your throat, what with you holding that beautiful saltine at arm's length.

Eagles live and breathe in combat situations, so I figured they'd be much better suited to doing some damage when they need to than a parrot.

rough way to go