Weis Cracks and Crack Backs

From Kayo and Bacchus and Kayo (yeah, in that order.)

Brock Sprack is happy his team won the game, but he’s still not quite sure what happened.

Something must have come over him for the first 30 minutes, but he was back to his old self in the second half.

The Purdue coaching staff is made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness.

Evan Sharpley can be on my team any time.

Wanting him on your team is easy. Deciding whether he should be the starter is the tricky part.

Even if he never starts, there’s always room for a guy who’s prepared, willing to compete for playing time, and ready when needed.

DB with his back to the ball on a touchdown pass… check.

Tradition never graduates.

Apparently Clifford Jefferson doesn’t graduate, either. He just keeps changing numbers.

How, exactly, does one boiler up?

I’m not sure, but I think “to get boilered up” is slang for this:


Next thing you know it’ll be the title of a movie.

Oh good. Now I twitch uncontrollably every time an opponent has third and long.

It’s almost as bad as when the Irish have third and short.

I’m fine before third and short, but I find myself involuntarily cursing like a Tourette’s patient before the inevitable fourth and short.

Sporting gold jerseys with gold pants, Minnesota made a valiant run at Oregon’s worst uniforms title. Bob Davie, who was predictably demoted to providing white noise between plays on ESPN2’s college football broadcasts, opined that the Gophers should have added gold flanks to the jerseys.

Watching Boob on the Deuce calling a Gophers’ rout just so you can get material for Weis Cracks? Talk about taking one for the team.

As the broadcast team is introduced before the ESPN2 game each week, I find myself feeling like Tessio… Bacchus, can you get me off the hook for old times' sake?

The poodle is a vicious animal, okay?

I never thought leg-humping was all that vicious.

A judge says it is, and I have the restraining order to prove it.

Poor tackling… check.

Poor tackling is merely the flourish Irish defenders add to taking poor angles and letting blockers get into their bodies.

It’s the old nature vs. nurture question. Are they born with that kind of versatility or are they coached to it?

Second stupidest comment of the broadcast – Andre Ware questioned the uncatchable ruling against Darrin Walls late in the third quarter on a pass that was ten feet over the receiver’s head and five yards out of bounds. “He’s a big fella,” said Ware. “He can leap. If ya got somebody hanging on your jersey, ya can’t get off the ground.” Ware offered this insight while watching a replay showing a throw Inspector Gadget would have struggled to catch.

Ware’s acute perception of what constitutes a catchable pass explains the longevity of his NFL career.

1990s vintage NFL defensive backs say his passes were easy to catch.

Stupidest comment of the broadcast – Play-by-play announcer Dave Pasch responded to Ware’s nonsense with, “You got a point.”

When you’re 0-4 and playing Purdue, you get the broadcast crew you deserve.

You are what the quality of your broadcast crew says you are.

Florida State defeated Alabama 21-14 on Saturday denying the Crimson Tide its 2nd national championship this year and 74th in its version of history.

And if Bobby Bowden hadn’t already won his MNC, the AP would have awarded him one during his post game presser.

If he gets another lifetime achievement championship, maybe Bowden will take the hint and retire.

Asked what his team had to do to beat #1 USC, Washington coach Tyrone Willingham said, “Don’t believe the hype.” Having experienced Willingham’s coaching for more than two years, Washington’s players easily related to the concept.

I thought he was referring to the motivational value of the Huskies’ nostalgic uniforms, which worked about as well for them as the green jerseys did for Ty’s Notre Dame team.

Jerseys may not be much of a motivational ploy, but what else can a coach who lacks acumen and charisma do?

Can’t get a yard for a first down… check.

Don’t underestimate Charlie’s farsighted genius. He was just setting up the defense for that fourth-and-one bomb to Tate.

It’s a vast right side of the line conspiracy.

Arrelious Benn is worth every penny.

The corrupt game-within-the-game that is college recruiting has actually got me rooting for this kid to fail.

Or be exposed, at least.

This year’s conventional wisdom says that Weis missed opportunities to play youngsters in game situations last year. Last year’s conventional wisdom was that ND was overrated because it played too many close games against lesser opponents which, of course, makes it hard to empty the bench. I feel sorry for conventional wisdom. It’s very conflicted.

Never forget conventional wisdom’s foremost guiding principle: whatever can be said to portray Notre Dame in the worst possible light must be true.

Conventional wisdom’s favor tends to align with broadcast rights.

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette’s Ron Musselman reported that Joe Paterno “danced around the question” when asked if he would consider changing quarterbacks. His answer was, by all reports, a graveyard smash.

Nothing better demonstrates Joepa’s full recovery from last year’s knee injury than his dancing on his own grave.

He still needs a jolt through the electrodes to do it.

Bad shotgun snap… check.

Yeah, but it was only one this time.

Discernable progress.

This week’s Heisler award nominee for useless stat once again comes from Heisler’s own post-game notes. It seems that Evan Sharpley became the first quarterback other than Brady Quinn to throw more than one TD pass in a game since Carlyle Holiday had four against Rutgers in November of 2002.

Meanwhile Thomas Bemenderfer’s proof of Fermat’s last theorem goes unmentioned.

Heisler knows about it, but he thinks everyone already understands that you can’t split a squared number into round whole.

Oregon State led next week’s opponent, UCLA, through three quarters. Then the Beavers turned into pussies, surrendering 28 fourth quarter points to lose 40-14.

No one gives up Beaver like OSU.


Err… She sure has a pretty smile.

Michigan may have to forfeit last week’s victory over Penn State because it used an ineligible player. Because it's a Big Ten eligibility issue, Michigan is only facing disciplinary action for conference games according to the Ann Arbor News. The Victory over Notre Dame will stand. “See, I told you we should have joined the Big Ten,” said Notre Dame athletic director Kevin White.

Depending on the outcome of the Reggie Bush payola investigation, maybe we could retroactively join the Pac-10, too.

Let’s hope those 25 year old BYU guys are legitimate.

Can’t kick two extra points and a short field goal… Hey! Something new!

In fairness, this is the first game that our offense has given the place kicking unit that opportunity.

It may be the last time Weis gives them that opportunity.

Golden Tate and Duval Kamara as the starting receivers for the next three years would be fine with me.

Me too---provided they earn their positions on the depth chart by winning heated competition against a host of highly touted younger recruits.

We’ll know the program is on the right track when there’s heated competition for all starting positions.

Notre Dame is 0-5, and the Cubs are playing in the postseason. In a related story, heating repairmen have been dispatched to hell.

With USF and Kentucky in the top ten, and Cincinnati and Rutgers in the top 25, that place ain’t never gonna thaw out.

Luckily, Bo Schembechler packed his winter coat.

Bacchus

Kayo